Childless but Life Goes On!

[This is an invited guest post.  It is based on true life. We will hopefully be reading more from her]

I sat in a class where depression was being discussed and at the end of the class, it was official, I was depressed!

What is depression, what causes depression and why do we get depressed?

This is not me making light of the state of being depressed and the effects of depression.  This is me asking why do we allow ourselves get so worried about things that are beyond our control that we become depressed.

I am 5ft 2, I would love to be 5’6 at least, can I do anything about it? Kinda! Put on heels of 4inches and bingo, I am my ideal height. Hmmm, what about the aches and discomfort I will have to go through, does this make it worth it? I guess so, for as long as I can keep up appearances. What if I decide to accept myself as being petite (nicer adjective) and rock the heels when I have to but also be comfortable enough to wear flats when I need to take a break. Life just got better!

That’s the way life is. Till we accept somethings as being our cross to bear, we find ourselves getting worried and possibly getting depressed over time.

I got married in my 30s, did I want to get married earlier, of course. But when correct bobo wasn’t forthcoming, will I kill myself? No. I learnt to accept that getting married was out of my hands, I couldn’t just marry any man that came my way as there were qualities I was looking out for. Also, it seemed all the men with the qualities I desired were married (lol). In the midst of strong prayers and confessing God’s word as well as being open to matchmaking opportunities, I continued to live my life.

Did it cross my mind that what if I never met the bobo I was waiting for, of course! Did my mother torment me with continuous prayers on how by this time next year she will be at my wedding, of course! Did my friends throw indirect shades at me on how I was forming young girl and not wanting to settle, of course! What about people including guys who were interested in me telling me I was being too selective. Of course!

To maintain my sanity. I stayed away from married friends who all they talked about was their husband and who felt being single was a spiritual problem, therefore, I needed more prayers. I hung around friends who could laugh with me at my single state without being judgemental and could say a prayer for me during their prayer time as well as put in a word for me when they met any eligible bachelor.

Finally, I met a bobo who ticked most of my boxes and viola we got married.

Three years into marriage, we are still praying and declaring for a child. If you think the pressure to get married is much, believe me, the pressure for a child is worst. Prayers will intensify on your behalf. This is not just you being judged, your past, as well as your fertility, are also being judged. Your life becomes a life of multivitamins, ovulation calculation and timed sex. Sex becomes a chore that must be undertaken on a particular day to increase your chances. Where did all the fun we so looked forward to in marriage, go to? The pressure of having a child is enormous and you just might lose yourself in the midst of all this.

The worst result to get from the doctor is that all is fine with both of you as then you begin to think spiritually and wonder who you have offended that is the cause of this problem as your biological clock keeps ticking ‘tick tock tick tock’.

The pressure increases because another person is involved- the husband. He feels less than a man especially when all his friends seem to be impregnating their wives at will. His manhood is being judged.

Is having children under your control? The fact that someone else has it easy why do you think you can? Fellow women don’t make it easy also as their prayers actually done in good faith torments you. By the way, a woman once made reference to me not having a child being the reason for my figure when a man commended me for my look.

I used to cry everytime I saw my period till one day I asked myself what will happen if I never have a child. Life will still go on, you will just be known as the woman who didn’t have a child. Poor husband, he might be the one who gets tempted to try for a child outside.

To save myself from depression, I have decided to exercise and live life, maintain my ideal weight and shape as well as rock those clothes and heels that make me look and feel fabulous, which keeps my man drooling while sticking to my crazy support system of friends who would laugh with me at the measures I take, while trying to conceive the desired baby and pray for me in their quiet time.

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